Monday, May 30, 1994

My boy enjoys hitting me when he's drunk and during sex...help!?

I have been sleeping with a boy for almost 2 years, we were friends first and we have known each other 3 years. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend, more like friends with benefits. A little background, he is 6'4 and I am only 4'11, and he used to be very heavy. He was very chubby when we first met but now he's lost about I would say almost 45-50 lbs. With his weight loss has also come an increased violence towards me.

It started out just as being scratched or bitten when we would have sex. I don't mind that, I don't mind rough play, but then it progressed to him starting to choke me, and as long as we used our safe word/a safe tap, I was okay with that too. Well, on one occasion he choked me to the point where I was afraid I would pass out and I gave him the signal, but he either chose to ignore it or didn't feel it and I was truly afraid that he would choke me to death. I figured he was in the heat of the moment and let it pass. Lately, I have been noticing that he is getting much more violent when he is drunk and when we are in bed, often with no provocation on my part at all.

I will come to see him and we will hug and not 10 minutes after he will put his hand up my back and run his nails down my skin so that I often have deep scratches or marks. I have told him that it hurts me, that I don't like him scratching me that hard and if he is drunk he smiles and kisses me and says "sorry bb. You know you like it" and an hour later it's happening again. Several times he has left such deep scratches on me that I have had to use makeup/bandages to cover them. He also will throw punches at me when he's drunk and he's hit me in the stomach more than once. He always says he is sorry afterwards. He has also hit me very hard several times during sex(across the back, once in my chest and once across the face) and I have told him I hate it, but he gets mad and blames me for being a horrible partner, etc.

I don't know what to do! I told my best friends mother and she thinks I need to leave him. It seems like he just gets worse, not better. Would talking about this with him help, or does he have some other issues he needs to work out? I don't know what to do.

Answer on My boy enjoys hitting me when he's drunk and during sex...help!?

I agree with your best friends mother. If you have already told him that you do not like these things and he ignores you, then you are officially in an abusive relationship. If you let this continue, he may actually take it too far and seriously injure you. This is a really bad situation to be in. Speaking from personal experience, get out before it is too late. Do not listen to any pleading or promises. Tell him to seek therapy. Do not become a statistic. Best of Luck.