Sunday, January 28, 1996

Help, advice, comments?....My husband cheated on me.?

Help, advice, comments?....
I’ll try to keep this short. Here it goes…
My husband cheated on me Nov 2007. We have been together for 18 years, married for 14. Prior to him cheating, I was not happy with our relationship. From the very beginning I felt it was a one sided relationship. I was always the one to plan special outings, vacations, surprises for his birthday, x-mas, valentine’s day. I always made an effort to enjoy what he enjoyed because it made him happy, like fishing, camping, canoeing. I gave up many things that I enjoyed for him. When ever I tried to talk about or get him to be involved with something I liked, he would change the subject or just not pay attention. He never reciprocated and even bought himself a new printer for my birthday once. I felt like he completely took me and the kids for granted. All I wanted from him was to feel like I was number one in his life. He is a kind, gentle man which is why I stayed with him for so long. I just assumed that he had trouble showing his feelings. Over the years, I grew angry towards him and tried many times to tell him how I felt but was always put down as being too emotional. This made the anger worse and I know I treated him badly many times because of it by putting him down and trying to make him feel stupid.

On Nov 22, 2007, early in the morning right before work, he told me he had done a terrible thing. He had an affair. This was one week before a trip to Disney that I had arranged as a surprise for him. He said that he had slept with her 3 times without protection, that the affair only lasted 3 weeks and that he was never going to see her again. Just so you know, he also slept with me in that time. He said that he was going to focus on us from now on and try to be a better husband. I agreed that I would give him a chance. For several weeks, he gave me lots of attention, told me he loved me, bought me gifts and genuinely seemed sorry. Then I happened to see an email he had sent to a childhood girlfriend. When I questioned him about it, he got angry, said it was nothing, refused to come home from work and wouldn’t answer the phone. He finally phoned me late that night and said he would only come home if I agreed to not talk to him, so I agreed. Next I found out about his facebook account. He said that it was nothing and just a way to talk with friends. When I looked at his account, there were over 100 attractive girlfriends that I had never met. He still said it was nothing but agreed to deactivate his account for my sake.

A few weeks ago, I got the nerve to ask him more details about the affair. I found out that he had anal sex with her and had allowed me to give him a bj right after. He also said that he had told her he loved her but that he loved me more. He then admitted to the fact that had been flirting with women on facebook. Of course I was extremely upset and felt sick to my stomach. He again got angry at my emotions and almost threatened to leave me if I continued.

So, right now if I just look at how he acts now, things are better than ever. He tells me he loves me, he shows affection every time he sees me and he even planned a special get away for our anniversary. But, I still don’t trust him at all, I feel like I don’t dare talk to him about how I feel about anything and I am still hurt and angry about what he has done.

What should I do?????

Should I cheat on him to even things up? I hate even thinking of this.

Answer on Help, advice, comments?....My husband cheated on me.?

Cheating on him to even the score is never a solution. You may feel better for a little while after you do it, but then the guilt will come into play. You need to be totally honest with yourself. Can you forgive him for his indiscretions? No one would even ask you to forget his indiscretions, but if you can forgive them, then you should move forward and concentrate on the future. If, however, you cannot forgive you husband, then you need to seek an attorney and find out your options. Good luck to you.