Wednesday, May 14, 1997

Over controlling mother? ?

I can basically describe my mother in one word: unbelievable. I love her, and we have a close relationship but she drives me crazy.

She and my dad have been calling me fat since I was 9 years old. Im almost 17 now. I never was fat, nor am even close to it, even now. But they have a sick need to control everything. My mother put me on diets and never once told me i was beautiful, which led to eating disorders, self mutilation, trust issues and an inability to express any emotion besides fake happiness.

I feel like a robot all the time. Tonight, my mother called me fat again (I've actually lost 15 pounds in the past month) and she never even apologizes! That drives me crazy.

I want to rebel, just to show her that she can't own me, but I don't want to lose my parents trust. But I don't know what to do. I can't tell her how I feel and I'm afraid I'm going to spiral out of control soon...I'm fighting inner turmoil right now as it is.

Anyone have any advice? It would be much appreciated :)

Answer on Over controlling mother? ?

What I suggest, from experience, is to first is to get help for yourself, maybe go to the doctor to get a reference for a psychology consult or any kind of therapist that suits you.

I would tell you to tell her off, which i tried, which could be what you feel like doing, but i found that that's very conterproductive, it usually only acceptuates the violence in the family (because do not doubt this one second, this is verbal abuse that you are receiving).

Remember, just realising that what's going on is wrong means you are a good person, and sometimes being the better person is to find help elsewhere instead of exploding in the family. With help from a therapist, you can maybe find a way to communicate with your parents (through a group meeting, mediated by a therapist, in a calm environnment). And the best thing of all is you will have someone on your side who can help you keep your head on straight and help you find solutions to fix this crisis.

If you feel strong enough to avoid all these steps, then the next step i suggest is to have a calm discussion with your mother about how it makes you feel (using phrasing like : I feel sad when you tell me i'm fat and it doesn't help me want to take better care of my body... instead of placing the blame on her, you just express your feelings, which are different than hers.) But i think that what you went through with self mutilation, keeping everything bottled inside, you are going to need help to getting your self esteem up. Better yet tell your parents about the self mutilation, they'll be sending you to a therapist, that I have no doubt of.

Takes some time but I can tell you, my mother still tells me some whoppers (when i see her twice a year ), they still affect me, but not so deeply. And she does take more concern with my well being. Not everything is ever perfect but it can evolve. And the funny fact is, the fact that i went to see a therapist actually sent her to see a psychologist herself to get some help for old issues.

Wow this was long but your story touched me on so many levels .... Good Luck, I hope you find the solutions that fit your personnality.