Wednesday, June 4, 1997

I need help! I want your opinion on the first part of my vampire book!! IF NO ONE HELPS IM GONNA GO ROUGE!!!!!?

The world is full of ‘What ifs’. Like, what if I hadn’t been in the woods behind his house that night? What if I had never met the dangerously handsome, rich and super strong Jason? What I f I had never gotten that job as a chef at his house? What if I had never tripped? The list goes on and on. My point is, is that at every little thing that I have come across could have been drastically changed by one of these little 'what if's’. If there's one thing you can learn from my story, it's to decide carefully. You never know what something or someone could change your life. Forever.

z z z z z

Sage! Jason wants you in the dinning room!” Amisha lowered her dark eyes and her dirty blonde hair fell over her shoulders. “All he wants is his breakfast order.” She smiled and Sage playfully slapped her arm and laughed, without denying a thing.
Amisha, please don’t joke like that when we are in the kitchen! Someone can over hear.” Amisha was like a mom, or a best friend to Sage. She is the main cook to the Deluca family. Sage is the sue chef and is one of the youngest in the cooking academy. The only two people younger are from Italy and they are fifteen year-old twins.
Sage sashayed into the dinning area with her platinum blond mid-stomach hair swaying around her. As her feet danced upon the white marble, through the kitchen to the dinning area, where she slowed to a light walk just as she set foot into the dining area. “Mr. Deluca?” She asked looking at Jason.
Sage!” He ginned a mega-watt smile. “Come with me.” He said as his blue eyes sparkled.
Wait, Jason, you don’t ‘just need a order’, do you” He just smiled. “Wait two minutes. Where are we going?”
Just down to the beach.” Sage couldn’t help but smile.
I will need, about five minutes.” She said as he nodded and she ran to go tell Amisha, but she couldn’t help but not notice the large man lurking outside the window.

z z z z z

As the two teens walked on the rocks and leaped across the small tide-pools,

Answer on I need help! I want your opinion on the first part of my vampire book!! IF NO ONE HELPS IM GONNA GO ROUGE!!!!!?

The very first sentence captures my intrest, but there are no supporting details to your story. There is lots of detail about what they are doing, but if I can't figure out at least the setting in the first paragraph, or something about your characters, the story begins to unfold on itself, which is hard after you've worked hard to get it rolling.

I'd suggest just a simple prologue for starters, and begin to tell us about your main character.